Tuesday, September 28, 2010

{Is He not Brave Enough, Pure Enough?}

Please turn off the music at the bottom of the page and listen.

Soul reveal.
Do you ever walk through hard in life and then you think you are starting to get
it, only to find you have fallen flat on your face and the real of you is revealed?
Well, this is what I am seeing about me, about the human condition, our human condition.

I ran across this song above to find the words hit me...ouch kind of deep, the reality of me,
but positive too.

The question often in my heart, beyond the truth I know in my mind,
my intellect, my soul and heart that believes.
But, do I think He is big enough, pure enough, brave enough to handle the real in me
that I even hide from myself or run after in the human that is in all of us?

You know in the weak moments or post reality of me some days?

I realize today, this song true concerning the fact that often I don't always trust Him.
Yes, on a day to day basis I trust him in the quiet of me, but in my weak moments, 

do I turn to Him and away from me?

I trust me. I trust my control. I trust in my determination to spin my world perfect,
or just determined to fly because I believe determined enough,
I can make that happen.... Right? I am so wrong!

I realize that I think I trust Him, but fall really hard and find myself surprised and wrapped in my own sin that I create, or think I am above sin {seriously, who am I kidding?} and fight back to prove my integrity from a false pedestal that I alone created. But, that also helps me give grace to another to see that I am human too and not above sin but that somehow peace has entered my soul because of his grace. That is what makes us real I think, because otherwise we would be wrapped up in our confidence of us and not need God at all.

I know He is not asking us to be something unattainable, but that in Him I can find simply....peace.
And once I get out of the way, and gently submit my heart, He shines.

I have talked with another about their surrender, but am I willing to give my all?

Am I willing to love another and give grace the way He does me. I hope beyond me, yes?

I realize in talking that I still hold things as my own, but know boldly the strength He
alone has placed in my soul to stand against hard storms.
Let's just say, He has proven himself to me. Not that He had to,
but he did to get through the stubborn in me and my excuses that seem valid somehow.
I realize that it is not me and my own strength that can fix anything, but learn to love
and desire to be selfless, look from God's view and love another as He would me.
I have fallen. I am a sinner like anyone. But I am free too, and choose to find right and live life really amazing because of His grace. Just the laying down of me and realizing
He fits center, beyond me, my scrapes, my bruises in my desire to be perfect, 

prideful or self-determined, because I somehow think I have the right.

I see the me that has hurt people in life and been hurt too.
But never an excuse for my selfishness. Never.

I desire to be whole. I desire to have my full confidence in Christ...In Him Alone!
Not a little kind of whole, or even a young girl walking around in an woman's body.
But a Woman after God's own Heart...., walking real with God but never religious.

I don't have the energy to judge another, I mean it only takes
a second to look at my own fallings, oh my!
I realize that I had to and still have to get out of the way of me.
Let go of my will be done and manipulation of my own life, or manipulation of another, you know?
I feel like somehow that Christ has shown me that I can let go, but stand too...in His grace.
I know that my fingers can still be clinched tight as I let go to the end of my fingertips and trust.
Trust that He is the brave in me, that He is more than enough for all of my weaknesses.
That He alone can somehow make beauty for my ashes {He said that Not I}.
That he could take all of my confidence in myself, or all of my control that
I hold on tightly to only to find it tangibly in pieces all over the floor.
and then beyond me...
He leans down and lifts our faces to Him - tears, bruises, fears and all.
He stands us up, gives us Faith and dusts us off, so we can see the good he created deep in us
and make a difference mostly without speaking a word.

He just asks that we trust him you know and believe that He is more
than enough, to heal, to be brave, to love through us, to be selfless through us,
to help us forgive and even find forgiveness of our own doings to find His kind of cool-amazing!

And by the way, yes He IS more than enough to handle the
most challenging parts of us, to find beauty for our ashes
and make those ashes turn somehow into His Amazing.



Farmgirl Paints said...

Looks like you've been doing some soul searching. One of my favorite sayings is Jesus Rescues Me. He does. He will. So glad for that!

paige said...

ok...finally had a minute to come back & really read all your thoughts

i was honored & thrilled...we all were ...that we were able to see you , not once, but twice this week!!
your friendship is a treasure